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User blog:TeamUnitedNerds/TUN's Reviews, For Real This Time
Give me shit to review Rating Scale Z A B C D F With the addition of pluses and minuses when necessary. For an explanation on what the grades mean, an F is a terrible, irredeemable story, a D is a below-average or bad story, a C is a good, decent story, a B is a fairly good story, an A is fantastic, and a Z is a terrific, exemplar of a story. It should be noted that a story does not need to be without flaw to receive a Z+ Before Creation Comes Destruction Pros *It's about Beerus. *As with all of KV's stories, it's damn well written. *Having Beerus start as someone ordinary makes sense, given his character. *I love the title, it fits in thematically with the story, as well as being an actual Beerus quote. *I enjoyed all of the weird little worldbuilding details, and the strange, alien feel that Beerus's planet has, culturally. *I also appreciate the lengths taken to show how casually horrifying Beerus's planet is. *I like the whole exchange Beerus has with the old man. Actually, all of the dialog is quite good. *Having Beerus eat the chocolate sundae was a nice touch, it fits in well with his character. *"until, at last, the good lord began his long sleep" I see what you did there. *All the little nods to Beerus's later characters, and what he does in Battle of the Gods are pretty neato. *The whole second part is fabulous, and I like the cruel irony of the whole thing, it ties everything together nicely, and Beerus and Whis are IC as all fuck. *The lunch box. *The last few moments really tie everything together emotionally, and having Beerus eat out of his lunchbox during it is a pretty neat way to tie together Beerus's past and his present. Cons *Beerus seems a bit OOC, he seems to be a little too formal, especially when talking to Millie. However, since he's very much in character after he becomes the God of Destruction, this may be intentional. Still, it's a little odd to read. *Even though I understand it's a pun, Millie's name seems out of place next to everyone else's, and the general sci-fi setting. *"I thought you loved your brother" is a little bit of a clunky way to establish that Beerus is Millie's brother, although, to be fair, there aren't many other ways that could have been established. *Gravity chute, not shoot. *You describe the old man's bath as orange, and then as peach, when in reality, peach is more of a pinkish color. *Having him introduce himself as Whis twice was strange and awkward, and I'm not sure if it was intentional. It reads like an error. Conclusion I had some minor complaints, but overall, it's a pretty solid exploration of one of my favorite Dragon Ball characters. It's well written, emotionally impactful, and serves as an effective origin story for Beerus. Overall, it gets an A- from me. Dragon Ball KD Pros *Eventually, we all die Cons *KD is a shitty name *The grammar is pretty bad, but not as bad as it could be, I guess, in the same way that loosing one arm isn't as bad as loosing two *Listing the deaths at the beginning of the chapter *Listing the births at the beginning of each chapter *Why would Vegeta need a knife to kill someone *Why is Vegeta randomly killing everyone *Why does Vegeta fail at killing Chi-Chi the first time *What the fuck was with the turtle part *The Benball saga might be the worst name for anything, ever *What the fuck is a Z item *How did Trunks and Bulma revive Marron. I assume they used the Dragon Balls, but this is never actually stated *There's no actual descriptions. You just state that shit is happening *Random babies just popping the fuck out of nowhere *"Roshi and 18 both step on Launch, and then Launch's body turned into the pure evil Majin Buu" *Gotenks' cum laser *This is seriously just a list of random, nonsensical events *Evil Buu. Make an idea. *Wow, you're seriously never going to explain why Vegeta is murdering everyone *How is everyone getting revived immediately after they die *Why is Bardock alive *This is about as pleasant as being anally fisted by the Incredible Hulk *Do you understand what a story is *The saga names have absolutely nothing to do with what actually happen *20-30 movies. Why. Why would you do this. Conclusion This story is a crime against humanity. Fuck us all. F-. Mo'o 'Ala- The Mighty Primate King-Chapter 1 Pros *The writing is pretty decent. *I enjoy the setting, and the descriptions of the setting *I like the idea you have so far, I have a tendency to enjoy culturally focused stories *It reminds me of the original Dragon Ball, in the best way possible, with the sense of adventure, and the innocent view of the protagonist. Cons *It would be nice if those little footnotes actually linked to something, instead of having to scroll down and loose my place. *"who wasn't even rowing the craft, much less being able to row at all" is phrased a bit awkwardly. *"Ra hesitated. In his entire life, the only person he had ever seen on the island was his grandpa" is a repeat of a previous line *I don't see the point in describing the figure again, in similar terms to the first time you described them. *Actually, it might be a little too similar to the original Dragon Ball, but I suppose it's still early enough in the story. I'm not going to give it a final grade, as there isn't a whole lot to judge it by, but I'd say it generally has potential, and I wouldn't mind reviewing the coming chapters if Gozon wants me to. Monster Pros *I'll admit, I've always seen Kuriza as having some potential, and having a story with him that isn't complete shit is pretty cool *That line about him throwing mud at nothing in particular does a good job of capturing that aimless, incurable, childlike frustration. *Lingon is a pretty cool name. *I think the reason why Kuriza works well in this fic as opposed to others is due to the fact that it does a pretty good job of depicting what Frieza would actually be like as a father. *I like the idea of the fucking horrificness of Frieza's third form being brought up in-universe *In all fairness, the second description of Frieza's monstrous form was a lot better in terms of horror. *I love the concept of Kuriza going from fearing monsters to accepting himself as one. *I think it's fairly interesting that Frieza managed to turn his son into a paranoid wreck, and convince him that he himself had nothing to fear, when in fact, Frieza is incredibly paranoid. Cons *I think "But he couldn’t sleep. Kuriza couldn’t leave well enough alone." would've read better as "But he couldn’t sleep, and Kuriza couldn’t leave well enough alone." *The description of Frieza's monstrous form was kind of lacking, honestly. It didn't really convey much horror to me, and felt more like a pretty brief list of his anatomy. *It feels like it's lacking something, and it could do with a little more exploration of its own themes of horror. Conclusion An interesting little trip into horror, which is a rather unexplored concept on this wiki. Yet, it feels as if it really doesn't go far enough with its own concept, and explore all that it has to offer, leaving it feeling a bit short and empty. Still, what it does, it does fairly well, and I'm happy to see a character like Kuriza finally get his day in a decent fic. Final rating: C+ A Soundless Dark Pros *Very solid, well-written, absorbing opening paragraph. *The whole story is, as KV stories tend to be, very well-written. *I actually like how sudden the transition from the brutal bathroom scene to the next is. *Dark stories with Hercule always work well, with his character being a hack with undeserved fame and no real talent or fighting skills. *"pushed his feelings deeper inside until not even he knew where they had gone" is a description I'm quite fond of. *I like that Mike Tyson reference. *The humor in calling one of Mr. Satan's kick "devilish" is not lost on me. *I find the idea of Hercule aging and being past his prime interesting, as he doesn't even have any real moments of glory to look back on. *I love the whole scene between Hercule and the waitress, from the dialog to the description to the general mood. *"There was pain in knowing, and even more pain in forgetting" solid shit, right there. *The last two paragraphs are fucking spectacular. Cons *"It was a clever, sorry trick" I feel like the word "sorry" could've been replaced with something better there. *The inclusion of an actual song, as appropriate as it was, feels a little jarring. *Describing the wind "screaming" seems like too intense and active a word for the more contemplative mood of the scene. *Minor complaint, I think it would have been better if she had just walked off without giving him the finger. Her departure being sudden and never looking back would have had a greater impact. Conclusion An extremely solid one-shot with a strong opening and a stronger ending, that does a great job of adding complexity and tragedy to a comic relief character. Overall, it has no serious flaws. Z- Sandboys Pros *It's KidVegeta, so naturally the prose, grammar, and stucture are top-notch. *The imagery of the first sentence made me chuckle. *Also, the title always makes me laugh, as I am KV's special little sandboy. *Thank you for being generous. *I'm not entirely sure of Oolong's statement is supposed to be as existential as it reads to me but this is KV so I'll say yes. *The whole "As they gibbered" paragraph is exceptionally well written, in my opinion. *I have indeed known many middle-aged men with heads like fucking oranges. *"She was quite a breathtaking girl, or at least all of her holes still worked." is perhaps the single greatest line ever written by KV, and perhaps, the greatest line to ever be written in the entire history of the written word. *I like that you chose to describe Oolong exclusively in pig metaphors. *Bless Tori's glasses indeed. *Where is this unconventional sexual stuff in Dragon Ball Z and do you have any videos of it. *I like that the story is quite well-written, yet some of the stuff within wouldn't be out of place in a BYARM. *The arbitrary nature of 3 out of 19 nights. *The line about the deep ones also made me laugh. *I liked Akira, but the part with the giant baby made of flesh has been a consistent fixture in my nightmares for months. *I want someone to say "ahoohoo" seductively to me. *I like that you chose to call him Jackie Chun for no particular reason. *KV says he was "working with Edo period aesthetics to characterize the mujokan spirit in Master Roshi." Fuck if I know what that means but I'll count it as a positive because I need love and support to survive. *Oolong was indeed not hit, as he is not purple, and does not possess confusing time-skip powers. Good job KV. *“Yiff yiff yeah!” Tiffany the human barked." is actually probably a really great joke about the furries in the Dragon Ball universe but it gave me a half-chub so it's good for that reason too. *I like Roshi's desire to suckle upon a woman's breasts. It means that, Roshi began his life as an infant, and now, in his own age, he is regressing to infanthood, as he frequently shits himself and just wants to wrap his lips and get some sweet sweet titty milk. *It was pretty fapable, and I am into that stuff. *The line about smoking "dank kush and charred meat" is actually super well done, good job. *Tall as a limousine is a great line. *I will now describe time exclusively in terms of half-past, or half-to when Oolong returned. *If someone was bouncing on the penis of a large pig while riding a motorcycle would they be riding a fat hog riding a fat hog. *Good ol KV, can't go too long without injecting a bit o' nihilism. *“Eh, nothing matters anyways.” “Heh, wish that were true.” That is some actual top-tier dialog, for real though. *I like that the women carry around bags of potatoes with them, that's thinking ahead. *All this talk of titties is making me hungry for some titties, you dig? *I do like the way that Roshi is depicted as an old man completely out of place throughout the whole story, though. *Excellent cameo by the Guacamole Boys *Wifebeater is a terrible name for a shirt. Childmolester would be better. *The part about take-out genuinely made me laugh. *I love the constant, weird, clinical descriptions of Roshi's sexual desires that read like they're being written by asexual aliens. *"Crying like a little bitch (perhaps this was an unconscious Chiaotzu impression)" *The ending paragraph was truly a perfect conclusion. Cons *Master Roshi is not a white supremacist, firstly because he's likely Asian, or whatever the Dragon Ball equivalent of such is, because his name's Roshi, and second, Master Roshi clearly has jungle fever and fancies himself a chocolate mama. *I have no idea what the word "mangry" could possibly mean and I refuse to look any further into it. *I'm not sure what Oolong's mother being a whore has to do with his desire for action. *Please don't nuzzle the baby boy's snout. *The Asians don't like fucking corpses, they like tentacles, get it right. *I read "some girls have an old guy fetish" as "some girls have a guy fetish," and that would've been way funnier, and KV shouldn't written that instead, that fucking hack. *I don't think I've ever seen a surfer with a mustache before. *Sand attack is the worst move in Poklemon. *The blond one is always Tiffany. *Most people have two names, silly KV. *If yoga tapes are enough for Roshi, then wrestling should be enough too. *Does Korea exist in Dragon Ball? *Now for some actual serious critique of the writing, yo. "He wondered if she could feel it. The feeling was overwhelming." isn't your best work, dude, and I don't like that "feel" was used twice in a row. *How dare you sully the purity of puppies by using them as a metaphor for titties, you monster. *Roshi wouldn't order pepperoni pizza, because he's not a fucking pleb. *Roshi is always Roshi-like and such. Conclusion Sandboys is a wonderful, wholesome story about how a couple of sandboys become sandmen. I give it a 1/1. A Zero Mortals Christmas Pros *I’ve always been a fan of Christmas stories and Christmas specials, particularly unconventional ones like this. The idea of a Christmas story with Goku Black and Zamasu is particularly interesting just on its own as well. *I also like the inherent comedy that comes with a contrast between Judeo-Christian religion and the Dragon Ball universe’s theology. *You did a pretty good job of keeping Goku Black and Zamasu in character, including the way they can’t go more than two sentences without talking about how awful mortals are. *I like that Goku Black is angered that Santa is immortal, as he reacts the same way to Goku and Vegeta achieving the power of gods. *Goku Black interpreting Santa’s generosity as misdeeds is very much something he would do as well. *I like that Goku Black is so angry that he just throws the book wherever. *I got a weird chuckle out of “Zamasu hated tundras” *I’m not sure if this is a pro or a con, but throughout the story, you show Zamasu being both sympathetic towards certain mortals while despising all mortals at the same time. I’m going to assume good faith and chalk this up to Creeperman understanding the inherent hypocrisy in Zamasu’s beliefs.* *I like that Black just fucking brutally kills an elf. Poor thing. *I like how super serious Zamasu and Black are about tracking down and killing Santa Claus too. They’re two unbelievably powerful gods who are wasting their time trying to kill a fat old man because he gives presents to people, it’s kind of hilarious, and shows that Black and Zamasu are really very silly men. *I like that Black assumes that Santa is masking his energy. *“Inside, what would normally be a place of bright colors and joy was a place of chaos.” Nice prose, yo. *I like that the tallest elf was only 5 feet tall. *I know KV already said this but “but because Zamasu knew the mortal would try to give him a great, big hug, to try to cover up his sins.” is quite a good line. *I like that you displayed Black and Zamasu’s natural need for dominance over mortals in the way they treat the elves. *I also enjoy that you went all-out with Zamasu and Black’s cruelty, it contrasts nicely with the Christmas setting and is both shocking and weirdly amusing. *Honestly, everything that Santa says is amazing, some great dialog right there, and you do an excellent job of breaking down Zamasu’s character. It’s all the better that Zamasu doesn’t acknowledge anything he says. *“Y-You don’t get it do you? You won’t be remembered by anyone. All gods, dead. All humans, dead. You may still be alive, Zamasu, but will you really?” 10/10 shit right there good job Creeper. *I might be repeating myself but you did a nice job of reinforcing the contradictory nature of Zamasu’s beliefs. Cons *I don’t like the “this music plays” bit. I’d prefer if you inserted it cleanly before the story, like KV does with the Weezer songs he inevitably uses as the themes to his stories. *The first paragraph is already a run-on sentence. *On that note “I dunno” is not something either Goku Black or Zamasu would ever say. *The prose is, overall, a bit weak and stilted at some points, and there are numerous grammar and spelling issues, but these can all be chalked up to inexperience. Still, I’d suggest re-reading your story a bit to try and eliminate these things. I mean, I usually don’t, but I should. *“with hundreds of small houses and a large twelve story factory in the middle of the houses” try to avoid using the same word in a sentence twice. You tend to repeat words a lot throughout, I’d suggest using a thesaurus to make your prose read better. *Zamasu crying seems a bit out of character. I wouldn’t mind him showing some sympathy towards the Reindeer, but I don’t recall him ever showing that level of emotion towards a mortal before. *Yeah, the whole Reindeer scene seems a bit out of place and out of character, as funny as it was, and I think it probably could’ve been done better. *I would’ve liked it if you’d given the elf another line or two, to make it clear that he was rhyming. *“Are you deaf, you measly boy?!” This is some strange word choice, and the line doesn’t really sit right with me. *“from Goku’s normal happy, smiling face.” Normal happy is not good word choice. *“His rage started to feul even further,” Fuel is misspelled, and even then, this should be something like “this fueled his rage even further.” *“Cut the melodrama” is not something Black would say. *I agree that the resolution with Santa was a bit unsatisfying. I know you were going for something a bit more on the dark side, but I wouldn’t have minded a more upbeat ending, to make it feel a bit more properly Christmas-y. You could’ve done more with the little girl, to show that Zamasu is wrong, and to display the inherent value in the mortal spirit and how that relates to Christmas, or even done something to make it bleaker, but as it stands, it’s an empty ending, which is a real shame, as it could’ve been much more. Conclusion This story has a lot of flaws, mostly in its writing, but it shows a very good understanding for the characters of Goku Black and Zamasu, even in the unconventional situation they’re forced into. This may sound weird, considering the content of the story, and the fact that it’s the middle of March, but it really put me in the Christmas spirit. I give it a B- Suicide Missionary Pros *I like the subtle characterization of Tien and basically the whole opening paragraph. *KV can write words good, ect ect ect. *I like that Tien formed a connection to the woman through her eyes. That makes sense from a symbolic standpoint, since Tien has three eyes and all. *I like the moment Tien shared with that woman, and the way she was "swallowed up in the sea of business grey." *I like the multiple meanings of the "he had nothing to give" line. *Eyes seem to be a frequent motif of this story, as they are constantly referenced, and that's like, good and all. *I like the description of Likka's hair dye. Could this be a reference to Launch? *I like that the uselessness of the human characters post Dragon Ball Z is used for characterization in this story. *I like that Tien used up the last of his world tournament money. It goes well with the way Tien is distancing himself the person he used to be when he fought in the world tournament. *The atmosphere, setting, and tone of the story all feel extremely tightly controlled and well-developed. Cons *The references to eyes get a bit excessive in some places. The second paragraph of the second part uses the word "eye" so many times it's almost comical, and it kind of looses a lot of subtlety. *I don't like that the word "stomach" was used twice in a row in the last paragraph. *Even though there writing is generally solid, there is a consistent pattern of repeated words that weakens the prose a bit, I think. *"It was, indeed, real" I don't know if a comma is necessary here. Conclusion This story is excellent, obviously. It's very good, in terms of characterization, and especially the setting and tone, despite the few flaws I have with it. I'd give it a Z-. Small Pros *I like the in media res opening and the way that the setting and characters of the story are gradually and subtly revealed over time. *The descriptions and prose are fairly exceptional, as is usual for Mr. KidVegeta *I like the desperation conveyed in "using all of his energy to run and fly and climb and live." *"Its lower jaw hung partially detached from its head, swinging grotesquely." really evocative and frankly nasty imagery here, good job. Cons *I assume that he would be able to regenerate his open wounds, given that he's a Namekian. *"searching, searching, hoping." I think it would've been better if you'd added a third word here, instead of repeating "searching" twice. *I wish there was some kind of reference to Piccolo seeking revenge against Goku, or some kind of acknowledgement of Goku in general. I know it's not what this story is supposed to be about, but I think it could've helped tie things into later events a bit better and expanded on Piccolo's character even more. Conclusion I wish I had more to say, but it's a nicely done story with some great descriptions. I like how little information is revealed at the beginning, and how simple things like the child being revealed to be "green skinned" or saying "Piccolo" does so much to contextualize things. I give it an A+. A Space Christmas Story Pros *I like the early days of the PTO being used as a comedic setting, it works very well for that sort of thing. I like that a wide variety of PTO soldiers appear in the story too. *I like the Ginyu Force karaoke bit and the song selection in particular. *Kuriza in a snuggie is adorable. *I like the interactions between Kuriza and KidVegeta and just the idea of them interacting in general. *Kuriza’s characterization and dialog is on-point. *I like that you imply that Zarbon is the one who raised Kuriza rather than his father. *”He was preparing a blast that would one day be known as the Galick Gun”-I like this. *I like the way Nappa’s written in this, even if he feels more similar to his TFS incarnation rather than his canon personality. *”and he spit blood as he hung upside down like an adventurous Christmas ornament.”-How festive! *I love how much of a little shit Kuriza is, and how much more “princely” he is compared to Vegeta. *The choice in pictures is fantastic. *I want to call Frieza daddy. *I like that Burter is defensive about his speed. *I love the phrase “peerless porker” *I like the running gag of alien indecencies being used as metaphors, ie “The fake beard was itching like an Arlian love rash.” *Only a monster like Nappa would just straight-up bite into a cabbage. *”Nappa wanted to grow a huge mustache and beard one day so that it could wrap around his neck and cover his poor bald head on cold days such as this”-Fantastic *Goddamn those one-eyed space snakes. Cons *Isn’t Zarbon also a prince? Regardless, he’s fabulous, the man was born to wear a cape. *I do like the characterization, but certain characters are OOC for comedic purposes, like Nappa, while others are comedic but mostly in-character, like Vegeta and Kuriza, and it would’ve been nice to have some more consistency there, I think. *Cui is the hottest, how dare you. *Do vending machines dispense hot coco? *I don’t really like the scene with the janitor. It kind of fell flat for me, sorry. *”You better” doesn’t sound like something that Zarbon would say. *Sometimes Kuriza’s eloquence feels a bit forced, like ““My previous throw was marginally errant.” I get it’s intentional but the sentence just reads poorly. *What vegetable is Space Santa a pun on? *I think Nappa’s a good Nappa. Conclusion This story's pretty good. It's got some nice interactions, some nice characterization of Kuriza and Kid Vegeta, and some pretty solid laughs too. Overall, it's not as good as Sandboys when it comes to the light comedy but still canon-following KidVegeta stories, as it doesn't quite mix skillful prose and genuinely solid characterization with humor as well as that story does. I give it a A-, Merry Christmas. The One Where Bulma Goes Looking For Goku's Dragon Balls Pros *What an original and unexpected joke in the title. Comparing the Dragon Balls to a human's testicles? My anuses prolapses with your stunning creativity. *I don't understand a word of the opening paragraph and that means it's good. *Man what the fuck's going on oh man *I like how each paragraph is basically completely unrelated to the last. *Career suduko is funny *IDK man why am I reading this shit *There's something wonderful about "she roused, she pissed, she shat." *That little song break was nice. Should've included some sheet music for it smh *Man remember that song with the chandeliers i liked that one a bit *Yeah you're right KV where is the humor *Oh man KV yeah let it all out *I wish I could love anything like KV loves the word cunt *Man Tights really should be way hotter than she is Cons *There really should've been a mature template on this before I added it. *Listen man you can make up any excuse you want for why it's okay to cum fast and it might make sense to you but it won't to the ladies you feel. *Come on man ballginas exist we've had this convo before. Conclusion Why do you keep making me read this shit 3 balls/2 The Monster and the Maiden Pros -Nice subtle characterization in the first paragraph, and I like how Ledas’s mom is nurturing, standing in contrast to normal Saiyan behavior. -I like the use of the various perspectives all telling different versions of the same story. Its the story’s main draw, and it's done quite well. -All of the Saiyan names in the story are quite good. -I like the little interruptions/conversations between Ledas and his mother during the story. -”Ledas, are you still listening yes mommy I’m…” I really like the way this is written, with the dialog all together and shit, but you can still tell who’s talking, you know what I mean. -I like the contrast between a sort of flat retelling and a more detailed, narrative description of the story between the first and second time it's told. -I like how, even in the second story, there are little touches that indicate that it’s being told to Ledas by his mother. Good stuff. -I like how Ledas isn’t able to pronounce insubordination, nice subtle touch to indicate how young he must be at this point. -”But how did she really get stronger, mommy? I don’t know, I wasn’t there.” Clever, funny little line. -It makes sense, given Saiyan culture, that they’d consider a story like this an appropriate bedtime tale for a child. -The entire italicized bit was great. -”Jadu noticed the fur covering her body now, even though her – oh, nevermind that –” ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) -All of the weird little touches with the formatting are all really interested and good and well-executed and shit. -I like the mention of the Super Saiyan 4-ish transformation. -The fight scene between Len and Jadu was incredibly well-executed, very unconventional but good. -The last section and the ending were excellent too. Cons -Layeeck’s name is still really dumb, sorry. -“If it was, Paragus’ son’d be the next Legendary Super Saiyan, wouldn’t he?” I’m kind of torn on this line, it feels a little too forced and obvious, but it’s a nice idea. -I would’ve liked it if Layeeck’s version of the tale was given a little more attention/detail. Or, it would’ve been nice to see a full alternate version of the story from someone else. -I don’t know if the “blood red hair” line was supposed to be a reference to Super Saiyan God, but if it is, that’s no good. Super Saiyan God doesn’t work like that, there’s no way she could’ve become one under the circumstances. Conclusion A really nice, interesting, unconventional story about the legendary super saiyan. It’s impressive how much they managed to pack into one story too, with the characterization of Ledas and his parents, and the story of the LSS herself. I think it succeeded in basically everything it set out to do, and the only flaws it has are extremely minor. Overall, unique, well-done and a good read. I give it a Z-. To Review Four by DestructiveDisk. Black Dawn by KidVegeta Sink to the Bottom by KidVegeta and DestructiveDisc Category:Blog posts